Like Chelsea Handler
Only Not Famous and Broke.
The 90 Day Bitch!
Hola Campers welcome to the 90 Day Bitch where I bitch about and detail the last 90 daze of my wacky, hinky, outrageous, and sure "at times" fun life while stranded here in Cleveland NOhio since that fateful night the plane touched down. So break out your Chronic & Crown Royal (oh snap - Chronic & Crown’s my shit) so okay then - grab your Grey Goose, Jack Daniels, Chivas Regal, Tanqueray, Petron, Red or White Wine, Pepsi, Ginger Ale, Hot, Iced or Sweet Tea, spring, sparkling or if you’re as broke as me tap water or whatever you need to help you get through this blog because Campers it's gonna be loooong. BUT there's pictures…
WEEK 1
I touched down on January 15th in the wee hours of the bitterly cold night, tired as a mutha fucka; because lemme tell you what: a cheap flight from Cancun is NOT the way to travel. I swear my actual flight time was 5 hours less than the 2 layovers themselves. And *again* lemme tell you what: 2 layovers on a 1,433 mile trek sux the BIG 1. During the 1st layover I was stuck in Memphis with the craziest band of non-travelers ever. I mean for real, this 1 couple had a gaggle of kids ranging from the ages of “no older than a minute” through the fucked up middle teen years. And to top it off those babies were the most cryingest babies for fucking EVER! Those babies cried so much I quickly got heated. And for those of you who regularly read my blogs know heated is not a temperature I need to reach. In fact, those savages were so bad I had to say something to the entire lot of them (because the other passengers didn't have Carlita balls). Now mind you, I wouldn't normally tell people about their lifestyles (OK OK OK who am I kidding? Y’all know me better than that - I’ll serve a fool up some sage advice and tell them to get their life as quickly as you can say, “Damn Chica said that?”) But anyhoo I digress, I ended up telling the parents how it would be SO nice (& safe) if they “made” the teenagers stop frantically shaking and violently tossing the crybabies in the air so they’d shut it up and stop causing the rest of us to have a horrid case of travel agida. Mind you, the parents didn't take my advice to well and they were about to get pissed and retort --- until a couple of really cool *growing their own balls* passengers agreed with me and joined my crusade to shut those fucking crybabies up. So they too told the parents to be, umm what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh yeah that’s right --- “parents” and make the old brats stop torturing the baby brats. And so after the aloof parents got the memo they finally checked their brats so the torture that was a 4 hour layover soon evolved into just an uncomfortable time waiting for the plane which of course was late.
So finally touching down in Cleveland I was picked up by the BESTEST FRIEND EVER - Ms. CeCe and her dude Peepaw *he calls me Cougar so I named him Peepaw* we quickly gathered my bags then off to the bar (because y’all KNOW I needed me a drank). And after a quick run down of the flight ordeal we finally made it to Mommie Dearest’s house where I was dropped off to sleep because the week ahead was already filled with a bevy of activities such as visiting loving relatives, long lost friends, and a shitty Cavs game to which I gotta be honest and say, I didn't watch 2 minutes of it. In fact, I got so bored I insisted we hit up the bar to allow my old friend Crown Royal to ease the pain of enduring a sporting event of one of the most losingest teams in sports history.
WEEK 2
The female UNsibling came by Mommie Dearest's house and I gotta say it was completely comfortable. Even though we hadn't communicated in over 2 years we didn't miss a beat. We never uttered 1 word to 1 another her entire visit. ***Although Mommie Dearest keeps asking ME to make amends but I say FUCK those UNsiblings! I'll NEVER speak until I get some apologies for their petty insecurities and jealousies...
WEEK 3
My birthday came and went without any fanfare which wasn't my intention but it was so fucking cold I wasn't inspired to hang out, considering I had spent my last 3 birthdays in Paradise and the 10 before that in Vegas, NYC, DC or the islands. So trying to make fun here in Tha Land would have paled in comparison. Oh yeah, I also started that "job" I wrote about...
WEEK 4
Ahh Super Bowl week. I can say I went to a cool ass Super Bowl party where I drank from a bottle of wine named PromisQuous (would have been aptly named 15 years ago), smoked from a bong (much like the picture), I prepared my famous Seafood Gumbo (Yum!),
and I was the only 1 in the room to be honest about Madonna now being strictly a "Neck Down" kinda beauty.
WEEK 5
Again not much happened. Although I was working that "job" I wasn't getting paid for it because WHEW those fools were savages. Do you believe my 1st paycheck bounced? And when I say that shit was some change it was. Look:
WEEK 6
OK so this week was mad lame except for the fact that the male UNsibling finally came out the closet and reared his jealous head. OK OK OK lemme roll that back, the male UNsibling's not gay but he has "come out" as an ugly woman lover. He brought his fiance YES without the "ee" because that bitch is so ugly shim looks like a fucking man (who wears belly shirts in February I might add). And sadly not only must shim be the ugliest in the room shim has decided to be the cuntiest shim in the room. So here's the dealio: Shim diagonally parked its car in my driveway taking up 2 spaces leaving me to park on the street therefore forcing me to run up 2 flights of steps to ask it to move it's car. And because shim is such an ugly cunty bitch shim tried to be "funny" so shim "tried" to lock me out MY house (Ugly bitch - as if I had no key). So instead of me getting heated and breaking bad on that SHIM and believe me I was thisclose to breathing fire - I just simply started a conversation to see exactly why my gorgeous male UNsibling wants to spend the rest of his life fucking that shim. But as all ugly cunty bitches do shim had to attempt to belittle me using her education as a weapon (it was obvious the male UNsibling hadn't hipped her on to the overly degreed sibling that is I). Now mind you Campers back in the day her weapon of choice would have been as mighty as Thor's hammer upon my party hearty head, however today her Bed Pan Changing degree falls MAD short from wielding any power Carlita's way. Therefore I got to play Thor and I lowered the hammer and did something I never ever do - I totally became the university snob. Yes Campers, I let shim know I had no knowledge of shim's little community college therefore I refused to recognize shim's Bed Pan changing accomplishments from there because, "Really Honey is that even a real school? Why not Tri-C, it is an accredited institution." Needless to say Mommie Dearest tried to shut me down so I left willingly (but not quietly) however ONLY after Mommie Dearest *again* asked me to make amends with this UNsibling who for about 7 years has done nothing but run around town bashing me and my accomplishments to anyone of my UNfriends who would listen. I swear I never understood why such a smear campaign was waged against me, but it was and by the dude who I shared a mom with. Humph
WEEK 8
Ahhh what a BOMB ASS WEEK! Me and the Bestie jumped on the Megabus and hit up Chicago for a couple of fun daze because I had an interview with the Abu Dhabi educational counsel. And although I initially had no clue on how the interview went I later found out it went well, however I won't be going because I cannot go without Mí Papí.
But Chicago was BOMB ASS anyway. We stayed at 1 of the most famous & fanciest hotels in the world, the Palmer House Hilton. President Barack Obama was even there with us. Then we ate some of the yummiest Asian Fusion food ever. We then went to the Sears Tower (which has changed its name Willis Tower) where we watched the sunset. Then we did what most silly tourists do with limited funds: we shopped (can you say 9.95% sales tax? SMMFH) - BUT I got the FLYEST sandals ever. Then we partied with Buddy Guy at his Blues club where Drunkie Smurf attempted to shimmy up my leg and get on, however I cut him down quickly by telling him if he didn't "hurry up and scram or I'd have to call Gargamel." And finally we met 1 of my many cool Facebook friends Ms. Deborah K. (Holla Sis, you betta still come out here the house is almost finished) who showed us mad mad MAD love and took us out to the casino where we dined on too much yummy buffet food. Good times had on that quickie trip ya see:
WEEKS 9 - 12
Well Campers you know no Carlita's Camp adventure would be worth a squat without the drama, so here it goes - another former Fakebook Pussy really tried to get in my ass about MY lifestyle. It was so weird because I haven't seen this mutha fucka in about 9 years so why they felt as if I gave a fuck about what they thought about how I live MY life is beyond me. All I know is the Buster can't spell or properly use punctuation and reading the endless barrage of emails was frankly becoming obscene. I was sick of playing nice so I checked that Fakebook Pussy. I would share it with you but I'm not giving Busters and Pussies too much air time as of right now I've got bigger fish to fry. But if they read this - I will say this You Fakebook Asshole: Don't start none WON'T be none...
And because I'm no longer hostessing at that vile restaurant I'm now a part of the 8.5% (US unemployment rate - 25% if you're black like me) something that I can't believe I'm a part of considering it used to be so easy getting a good job (then again Cleveland hasn't had good jobs in decades) but in NYC, DC, Vegas and every place else I've lived. Then again I think I bitch about this because I'm a work snob, here in Cleveland they pay shit so I've turned down many jobs. I've been offered office manager positions for a whopping $9.50 an hour and they expect me to be happy about it. Pre-school teaching jobs for $7.50 per hour. I swear if I still had my slave mentality I'd jump because believe you me Campers I have heard from more than enough people that $9.50 is fair here in this 1 horse town. FUCKING SLAVES!!!
And then there's Godaddy. Yes my web hosting company is back on my list. They have been out of whack for daze and they offer no resolution, reciprocity, or refunds. I just need to find a new company who can and will transfer my entire site - if that's possible. And Campers if you know it's possible por favor let me know in these comments, or on Facebook, or on Twitter.
So that's it for me Campers not sure when I'll blog again because to be truthful I can't tell you HALF of the shit that's going on with me because it's toooooooo much and I don't wanna get my ass kicked. But until our next camp out enjoy the wine and trees and remember the fire's always (usually) burning here at Carlita's Camp!!!
The Silence of the Carlita or The Maybe the Not So Much Like Chelsea Handler Blog
So I've figured out why I have writers block. I'm working this "job" and it's local, so I can't talk. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I'm recognized daily, therefore making me hold my tongue on any of the activities, observations, and interactions I have. Because - WHEW as you've read in many of my past blogs, I make it my business to recount most of my daily life. Just like now, but sadly I cannot discuss anything because I don't know whose who, nor do I want people at the "job" reading my blog. Because - well --- I just don't want coworkers or guests reading my blog because it has nothing to do with them. However, because this town is pint sized and I'm discovered daily I must not say a thing because trust me Campers I've already been called names by some HILLBILLY ASS %$#&*. Therefore gimme a minute, maybe I can even write some fiction, but to tell about MY life, right NOW? In the words of the greatest Vocal Diva in MY generation Whitney Houston (RIP), "Hell to the Naw. I will not be writing about this little town and some of it's little inhabitants any time soon." I value my life because one thing I've learned is, many times honesty hurts both ways. The informed gets hurt and many times harms the informer - especially if violence is in their fiber/ make up. So anyhoo, writers block because this place here *I'm pointing my index fingers to the ground*, I said this place here *now I'm pointing my index fingers to the sky*, is MAD dangerous *now I'm rolling my eyes around my head* to a truth spiller such as myself. So until our next camp out enjoy the wine and trees and camp will resume SOOOOOOON! I have SO got to get out of this absolute HELL I wanna spit!
But on a brighter note Mommie Dearest and I are really making inroads... Bye!
This Blog: Where Then, Now, & Next Steps Meet
We started 2011 with a bang - literally, with fireworks in Sweden! But then we were forced to leave our fair Europe because I got so sick because I was being victimized by killer mold. So we relocated to Mexico but not without 1st getting robbed by a Spanish airline. However because of your help and my persistence we got our money back!!! And all along the way we saw plenty of sites that year as we had the years prior. We even had time to slip over to Belize for a long weekend. Although I gotta admit once you've seen 1 ancient Mayan ruin you've pretty much seen them all, I honestly could barely tell them apart - I had to look at the dates of the pictures. But they are amazing as are the beaches in both Cancun and Belize.
The Asshole Wall of Fuck Them
So after a great year of interesting sites, honing my survival skills, engaging in wicked treachery and fighting evil I learned this: I still adore traveling more than anything, Black mold will kill ya, Mexico could give a fuck about its workforce, some people are just vile for no reason at all, home is where your heart is, my dad is very ill and that I, your counselor needed to quit Fakebooking for fear of blowing my mind up (But please click "Like" on my Carlita's Camp page on Facebook so that you'll know when my new blogs are up, because sooner than later I'm deleting my profile).
As for my plans for the near and dear future - well Campers another relocation is afoot (I'll keep you posted - remember this is a mobile camp). So stay tuned because there's more where this came from, including new adventures, more CRA, new Chronic History Tales and YES another not so smash book or maybe even 2.
So until our next camp out buy my book "No Love Lost" enjoy the wine and trees and remember the fire's always burning here at Carlita's Camp! Happy New Year Campers and please make it your best year EVER!
Fakebook Pussy of the Week!
Hola Campers!!! So the other day I was doin' what I do - scrollin' down my Social Network wall lookin' for fun and exciting posts to comment on - as I'm sure you all do (at least from time to time). When I came upon a post that read: In your opinion, what is the most attractive sexual organ on the opposite sex? (and before you read my answer I KNOW, I KNOW HUGE red flag - however) I answered it anyway and typed: The brain. Then I kept it moving and continued to look for fun posts to leave my *witty* mark.
Now I'm not sure about you Campers, however many times my Social Network notifications don't always alert me as to how many "Likes" I got or if someone has even commented on a post of mine (that's why sometimes I don't respond to your comments). So anyhoo, later that evening I got a message in my inbox that read: Congratulations Carlita your comment "the brain" was the winner!
And I was like, "Yeah? So send me my $25Gs Alex! Or who gives a fuck?" But being in a good mood I decided to be gracious and putting on my halo I replied, "Gee thanks. So what do I get? And please say $$$!!!"
And Campers after that note is when it all went awry. Ya see, dude then sent me a note introducing himself as guess what? Yes, a writer/blogger too! So I was like cool as bloggers we have to stick together so I responded and said, "I too have a blog, it's a bit on the racy side but certainly all in good fun - UNLESS... LOL" Then I attached the link.
So dude popped in (I was for once online) and said "Sounds great I'll check it out tonight. And by the way I have a group called The Brain-Power Group where we discuss issues and I'd love to add you."
And me being me always looking to expand my audience said "Sure, sounds great." And that was that I was in. So then the following day I was a part of that Savage Ass James Truthpaste's obtuse dialogue about "Hollywood teaching our kids morals" and it struck me, ask a question in regards to this topic on the groups that I belong too and see if the rest of the people I come in contact with are as odd, dated in their thought process, and out of touch with reality as the vast majority of the savages on Truthpaste; so I posted a question.
And wouldn't you know it about 2 hours later I got a message in my inbox from the Brain-Power Group dude saying, "Carlita I would appreciate if you did not post such controversial issues on The Brain-Power Group." And yes Campers I was like "What the fuck kinda issues are for the fucking Brain then?" So I went to the group reread the profile and said, "OK my question seems to fall within the parameters."
BUT BUT BUT Man O Man was I wrong, because after I read each question posted by the groups creator (which had ZERO responses) I noticed they were ALL about sex. Each question asked about "What size penis feels best?" "Do you prefer it wet or not so much?" "What makes you orgasm?" You know *noneofyourfuckingbusiness* shit like that. I swear Campers as I type this shit I can tell you that this lousy mutha fucka's true intention with The Brain-Power Group was to seek out a chick who had no fucking brains but who might be dumb the fuck enough to give his old ass some "Cyber-Brain."
So after I read the questions and almost peed myself from the actual gall of this joke of a perved out dickweed, I wrote him back and said, "Oh LOL OK... I like to discuss real issues and discussing my personal life and sexual preferences isn't up for discussion within a group of STRANGErs. So thanks for the invite I shall remove myself and my question!"
Then he wrote me back like, "I'm sorry that you feel that way I think you could make a real contribution to the group blah blah blah."
And I was like, "Naaahhh I couldn't, but thanks and have a good day!"
But then this perved out mutha fucka wrote me back and said, "Well I still invite you to read my blog and I must apologize because after reading your writing I got the impression that you are a free thinking, mature, highly sexual, and sensuous woman who didn't mind openly discussing her sexual desires in a group setting. But if you ever feel like sharing with me privately just inbox me."
DOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!! What the fuck did this mutha fucka just write? To me? Is this pervert on CRACK or what? Because Campers I challenge ANYONE of you to point out 1 blog where I "openly discussed" my sexual desires? I laughed my fucking ass off UNTIL I got heated. How dare that old mutha fucka try to get in my cyber panties with a pack of lies? Some BULLSHIT lies at that?
Now Campers if this was real life I'd probably have to cut him (with a knife) however this is the Internet and I am a Wordsmith so I used my fingertips and wrote: Wow, that sounds like an insult if you ask me. And I know by this asinine note that you've NEVER read any of my blogs because trust, me showing my sensuousness has never come up. So please don't try to Bullshit a bullshitter. Because YES I am a free thinking highly sophisticated woman and my thought provoking query on your groups wall proved as much. HOWEVER I don't know you, you ain no sex therapist nor are my inner desires any of your fucking business. As far as I can tell you are one of the many Fakebook Pussy's whose perved out intention is to try to engage me in cyber sex which frankly is just for old ugly washed up unhappily married losers who thinks that labeling his group Brain-Power will trick a chick into giving you what you want. Well you asshole, sorry you got the wrong one, because I do use my brain and it hardly takes any to see through your bullshit. You betta ask somebody because trying to cyber fuck me will get your ass put on blast for at the very least 500 hundred of my readers to see. And BTW I looked at your snoozfest of a blog, could it be anymore boring? If I were you instead of blogging about politics and shit that is way out of your lane I'd blog about my dick because it hardly takes any "Brain-Power" to do that and this exchange has proven you're a fucking moron.
So Campers without further ado and hardly anymore words (I know the blog's long) I present to you the dumbest, oldest, (an y'all know if he's older than me he ain't got a prayer - a hem 28 y/o Pápí) fucktard, pervert on Fakebook lately:
That's it for me Campers! Until our next camp out enjoy the wine and trees and if you get a chance buy my juicy new book "No Love Lost" the links are on the top right of this blog. And remember the fires always burning here at Carlita's Camp!
The Omen
Hola Campers! And before you're immediately turned off this blog isn't some diabolical Antichrist kind of blog. This blog is actually about an Omen or a Sign if you will. Ya see, many years ago when I was a little girl, me and Mommie Dearest were sitting in the living room of our former home when a bird tried to fly into the window. Startled Mommie Dearest bleated, "Somebodies gonna die."
Not understanding what she meant I asked her, "Whatdya mean Mommie Dearest, who's gonna die?"
Mommie Dearest couldn't answer the who was gonna die, but she did offer up the explanation of why someone was gonna die. Explaining to me what a bad Omen it is when a bird tries to fly into your window. And although I was really too young to understand it at the time, Mommie Dearest wasn't wrong. Because sadly our neighbors live in grandmother passed on within that month as well as another neighbors oldest son a month or so later. So it was from then on that I always remembered that a bird trying to enter a home is a sure sign of death. And luckily for me no bird ever tried to enter my abode - until a couple of weeks ago this happened:
You see it? Yes that's the culprit of the bad Omen. And because I was sure mi Pápí had never heard of the "bird trying to enter your home Omen" I told him the same thing Mommie Dearest had told me all of those years ago that someone might die, and I only said might because this bird didn't really try to enter our home, however it did come and chill on our windowsill for about 30 minutes allowing me and mi Pápí to watch him and take a couple of pictures.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving Day. I had the chance to speak with my progeny -- admittedly after a few months. Actually until Turkey Day I hadn't spoken with anyone in my family including Mommie Dearest since earlier in the summer.
Anyhoo, while talking with the progeny she informed me that my dad (NOT that sperm donor) was quite ill. Shocked by her revelation I asked, "Why do you say that? Better yet, how do you know that? No one told me that."
And she said, "How do you pretend to not know? Because your sister said that she told you weeks ago."
Still shocked by the progeny's revelation and honestly quite skeptical, because the progeny has been known to play fast and loose with the truth I said, "What sister is that? I'd heard nothing about dad being sick because I haven't spoken with said sister in almost 2 years."
And she said, "Well it's the truth and grandma isn't taking it too well."
Now *almost* completely shocked I quickly said, "Put Leslie on the phone." (Because I was gonna need some independent corroboration)
And once my cousin Leslie got on the phone I asked her and she said, "Yes I'd heard that too."
Now really shocked because Leslie if she does have the information never lies so I said, "I'll call you back." And immediately putting my familial differences aside I contacted Mommie Dearest who sadly confirmed the progeny's statement that yes my dad Mommie Dearest's husband of 25 years is indeed quite ill battling Stage 4 Cancer. So after a while of talking with Mommie Dearest and trying to be as supportive as I could be I offered my services to my family in our time of need.
After I hung up from Mommie Dearest I immediately told mi Pápí what was going on and he reminded me of that "Omen" of that fucked up bird that sat on on our windowsill a week or so back.
Now mind you Campers, I don't know what to make of any of this Omen shit, however I do know what to make of the facts. And the fact is that me and my family need your chants, prayers, and well wishes so that my dad who is a great father, a wonderful grandfather, and just an all around stand up guy can win this battle and continue to head our family who he helped heal after years of torture and abuse.
And I know for many of you who read this you will immediately click "Like" and offer your love and prayers on my Social Network page in support of my family, however I'm gonna ask you to take it a step further and leave your support, love and well wishes for my dad, Keith Mercer here on my blog. Because my dad doesn't use any Social Networks, however he does read my blog and will see them here and I'm 100% sure he'll be more than grateful and touched by the outpour of your kind thoughts, support, and hope for good health.
Anyhoo Campers that's it's for me because to go on seems unnecessary. I thank you all ahead of time and please be blessed, I do love you all. And as always thank you for reading and remember the fire's always burning (even if a little less brightly right now) here at Carlita's Camp.
Top 20 Reasons Why I Don't Feel Like Blogging
1. I'm not in the fucking mood. I have a lot of projects going on and I want to tend to them properly.
2. My chickens are all dropping eggs like they drop shit and it's LOUD. Every time I go to formulate my words and find my funny my food starts screaming readying themselves to drop an egg.
3. Honestly I haven't been doing shit to really talk about. SURE I can get topical but really who gives a fuck what I have to say about politics, relationships, or whatever the fuck?
4. I've been concentrating on moving and finding the money is a task.
5. I'm sick, sometimes I sit at this computer and my nose bleeds for what seems like hours and the headaches and the vertigo even when seated is crazy.
6. I don't think people read my blogs.
7. It's winter and TV is good. Can you say "Revenge?"
8. I'm scouring the web trying to figure out the best way to market my book for free.
9. I obsessed with Herman Cain.
10. I really wanna write fiction right now.
11. I've been making more pictures for a better Crown Royal Avenger.
12. I've been trying to learn a bit more about subjects that interest me to help me write better blogs.
13. I'm reading a good book - in Spanish and it's hard.
14. I'm practicing my Spanish.
15. I'm trying to work out more because although I've mastered the running I'm still not toned.
16. I'm having issues - emotional and personal. Yes I'm going through it.
17. I'm chanting and meditating more.
18. I'm trying to figure out why Amazon insists on listing my book at the wrong price. It's $7.25 NOT $9.25.
19. My garden got a late start and things are now finally growing so I'm tending to that.
20. And frankly I'm just fucking blog LAZY...
So that's it for me Campers enjoy the wine and trees and don't forget to check out my new book "No Love Lost " on Amazon.com for Kindle download. And if you don't have a Kindle here's the link to the "Free Kindle App". Remeber the fires always burning here ar Carlita's Camp - even if it don't seem like because there are other pages to look at and read...
The I Know Some Shit Blog or The Great, The Sad, and The Fugly
Hola Campers!
Lately I've been thinking a lot about my life and all the people who have directly impacted it. And because things are changing rapidly I've decided to take stock of everything I've been through and everyone I know and try to make sense of it all. So for today I've typed up some things that have impacted me or others close to me physically, emotionally, as well as psychologically and decided to put them into 3 categories with your help - the Great, the Sad, and the Fugly.
Okay so here's how it's gonna go, I'll list 25 "I know" scenarios and when you make a comment here on my blog just put the number and simply state if it's "Great" "Sad" or "Fugly." It's that simple.
1. I know a woman who's bathed in the River Draâ which is the longest river in Morocco.
2. I know a woman who was a script coordinator on a porn film.
3. I know a woman who's had to live with a deadly communicable disease for over 20 years and because of it she's never been happy always forced to settle.
4. I know a woman who's eaten eggs fresh from of an organically raised chicken.
5. I know a woman who's cheated death twice.
6. I know a man who hated his mother so much he impregnated a prostitute and a drug dealer. He also married the drug dealer and lost one of his family's most prized heirlooms in the divorce.
7. I know a woman who has 15 stamps on her passport.
8. I know a woman who left her own Down Syndrome child with his dad/her husband to live with a man and raise his kids from another relationship.
9. I know a woman in her early 40's who needs my support but I'd rather just wait for her to figure it out because frankly I have no clue how to help her.
10. I know a man who fell out of love with his wife but who's too selfish to let her go.
11. I know a woman who spent almost every dime of her inheritance remodeling a home that she doesn't even own.
12. I know some men who hated their elderly father so much they refused to take him to the grocery store, or to get his needed medicines, or pay the taxes on his home. And when he died they feigned shocked that they had no claims to his house.
13. I know a woman who was so rowdy she dated a state trooper to bring her street creds down.
14. I know a woman who beat using drugs using only her mind and the lure of a steady paycheck,
15. I know a man who's lived off of women not his mother since he was a teenager.
16. I know a man who claimed his mother abused him by making him attend church 6 days a week.
17. I know a woman who fluently speaks 6 different languages.
18. I know a woman who sings like an angel but too mentally unbalanced to use her gift.
19. I know a woman who never finished high school but graduated college.
20. I know a woman who dated a woman who wanted a baby so she found her a handsome man to breed with.
21. I know a woman who in her haste chose the wrong man and completely regrets it.
22. I know a woman who should be rich because her baked goods (cakes especially) taste better than the Cake Bosses, however she lives in a town where it doesn't matter because most people prefer boxed and store bought baked goods.
23. I know a woman who started a bomb ass Cougar dating website.
24. I know a man who works his ass off 60 hours per week to support his family.
25. I know a woman who will do whatever it takes to achieve happiness.
Alright campers that's it for me this is where you come in... And if you haven't already clicked like on my Facebook page please do so the link is in the middle right side of this blog. Also if you haven't already checked out my book "No Love Lost" on Amazon.com for "Free Kindle Apps"
please support me. And there are a few reviews to help you decide... THANK YOU LADIES - Datrice, Ayala & Regina!!! So until our next camp out, enjoy the wine and trees and remember the fire's always burning here at Carlita's Camp.
If You Can't Stand Cussin' ~ Don't Click the Mutha Fuckin' Link...
**Warning This Blog has LOADS of Cussin' ~ So No Thin Skinned Pussies Allowed**
Hola Campers welcome back! So for today's camp out I wanna talk about my most fave mash-up ~ Me and mutha fuckin' Cussin'...
As you all know because you're a regular reader of my blog (or have at least read some of my blogs) that I am a highly skilled and flagrant user of the most wonderful language in the world ever: Cussin'.
Now mind you, some, more proper people prefer to call it "Cursing," however I find that since I'm not invoking bad shit to happen to fucked up people (well not all the mutha fuckin' time anyway) the word "Cursing" doesn't always fuckin' fit. So for me, "Cussin'" is a far better description of what the fuck I'm actually doing. Because as you all have read time and time again from my tales of debauchery, fun, and even woe, there are many occasions that I have had to cuss a mutha fucka, right the fuck out because he tried to break bad. Or as my sweetie Trend (Hey Sis) would say: "Carlita, you know how to get 'em told..." **Best Compliment EVER**
So anyhoo, as you'll discover in this randy blog ~ I learned my 2nd language from a gaggle of old cussin' pros: every member of my shit family. From my hysterically neurotic (yet funny as a mutha fucka) maternal grandmother Vivian, to my disgustingly vile sperm donor, who each are masters of the language. **Honorable mention goes out to the Mommy Dearest of old, the Chief (the paternal granddaddy RIP), as well as the countless other uncle's, aunt's and cousin's (who shall remain nameless ~ unless you mutha fucka's piss me the fuck off) who ain't or weren't no slouches at gettin' in on a mutha fucka either...
And since cussin' comes so naturally for me because as stated I was born into a mutha fuckin' family of cusser outers who still to this day refer to me, themselves, and everyone else as just that ~ mutha fucka's it's easy for me to spit out a heavily peppered array of words strung together so the sting is more than painful or the conversation is very fun and/or funny.
Ya see as a little girl as far back as I can remember, members of my shit family would flatter a friend ("Shit this food tastes so fucking good"), verbally assault a foe ("I'm so sick of your fucked up shit I should fuck you up"), or insult their prey ("You gotta be the stoopitest son of a bitch to ever walk the face of the mutha fuckin' Earth")alike with a barrage of cuss words that were spewed at will with venomous accuracy.
Thinking back, there didn't seem to be 1 family holiday that passed without the vigor of a cussin' "you" the fuck out fest.
As the queen bee of usage of my family's most beloved phrase, mutha fucka, my grandmother Vivian upon us visiting her home once she heard the doorbell ring, would yell from the back of the house before even reaching the door, "Who is it? Who is it mutha fucka? Who the fuck is it? Goddamn it if you sons of bitches don't mutha fuckin' speak up right the fuck now you not gettin' the fuck in here."
Now I know for some of more docile speaking campers you'd probably be appalled by such brash verbiage, however your counselor always found it quite amusing - funny to say the least.
While on the other hand the sperm donors words weren't quite as amusing, because of his suppressed homosexuality his 4 letter bombs were far from funny, in fact 9 times out of 10 they were just mean. But obviously since this blog has been hatched his attacks have become quite useful in painting an accurate picture of who I am and how I got this way.
Many a day I reminisce (& laugh) with my most fave cousin (Hey Leslie) about the endless verbal attacks/insults that were many times followed by equally brutal physical attacks brought about by the sperm donor when he was in a fucked up mood. Which to be quite frank, that evil mutha fucka is always in a fucked up mood.
So many times I can remember the unwarranted verbal attacks because the siblings and I hadn't put our bikes in the garage ("I swear you the dumbest bunch of lazy ass stupid bitches in the world. Don't you ho's know that niggas like you ain't never gonna go no where in life because you to goddamn simple to follow directions?{As if leaving our bikes in our backyard during dinner was a real life setback}), got up and dressed for our many Saturday extra curricular activities (Don't you triflin' ass niggas know that the early bird catches the mutha fuckin' worm? Get out the beds niggas. Move it! Move it! Move it! Before I fuck you up), or simply because it was Monday (I swear you stupid ho's is so fuckin' dumb, you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with a hole in the mutha fuckin' top). Yeah I know harsh, however like I said ~ useful...
And as for the honorable mentions ~ well let's just say there is someone in my family who don't slam doors - she slams niggas (I like her though). And no it ain't Mommy Dearest, she was more of a fun name caller. I believe her most fave word of choice was strumpet. (Great word Mommy Dearest I used it in my book. 
)
So I write this blog to say, when you read my stuff ~ blogs, comments on the social networks, or even in my juicy new book, "No Love Lost" (which trust me is not some 4 letter word filled vulgar fest) keep in mind that I am a product of my environment. And unlike many who would do their damndest to change such a (Bad?) habit, I like it! Shit I LOVE it! Engaging people with my million and 1 useless facts and then peppering the language with as many appropriate placed cuss words always seems to bring me a depraved type of glee, so unless we're doing battle NO OFFENSE they're just words...
And that's it for me right now, so I'm fiddna deuce you mutha fucka's out because I'm on my way here:
So until our next camp out enjoy the wine and trees and remember the fires always burning here at Carlita's Camp! And don't forget to check out my juicy new novel "No Love Lost" on Amazon.com for Kindle download. And if you don't have a Kindle NO WORRIES because there is a free Kindle App for your iPad, computers, or Smartphone. Here's the link: Free Kindle App
Happy Halloween!
Happy Halloween! I'm trying to kick it with them...
Happy Anniversary Papi, this is for you!!!
Some of the Things I think About When I'm on Weed...
Hola Campers of old and new!!! So OK, with all that's been going on emotionally and physically I hadn't had time to blog. And lately I've really wanted too because I have so many thoughts brewing in my mind. But because I'm in no real mood to be all expressive wordy Carlita I decided to break it all down in a list. Because lists are waaaay easier and because I hadn't given you Campers one in a very long time. So without further ado here's a list of some of the things I think about when I'm on weed and remember these aren't in any specific order....
I wonder what happened to all the crazy chicks I used to know back in the day? Hey Wendy R- where are you?
Seriously? Many women are really into watching organized sports such as football, basketball, and baseball on TV? I understand being at the game, but TV? Seriously?
I wonder how much shit I forget when I'm not on weed?
I wonder what is some of the shit I forgot when I'm not on weed?
What a coinkydink that Tyler Perry's initials "TP" are the same as Toilet Paper considering 99% of his movies are shit...
Does T.M. realize how much love was involved in regards to my actions that evening in the store? I do love you and I'm still waiting!
I always wonder what happened to Felicia W; my high school neighbor who I smoked out with parked in her Mercedes in the parking lot of a high school dance. I wonder does she still laugh when she thinks about how hard we were trippin' before and after some dude knocked on her car door window in the middle of a storm yelling at us that "for over an hour we had been blocking the parking lot exit" and there were no less than 50 cars blocked in behind us even though they were obsessively honking the horn at us trying to get us to move.
Will the majority of Blacks ever come together like the majority of whites? EX: The Tea Party, RepubliKlans, Skin heads or The 4H Club?
Why did they replace soap operas with shit TV doctor and talk shows?
Why do people think that Cancun is a great vacation destination? The weather sucks ass and the food is mediocre at best.
Why do people on Social Networks talk so much shit? OK maybe not all but definitely some. You gotta admit many pussies get Internet balls...
Glad I don't have to go to anymore funerals because I don't like my family.
Does anyone besides me love Pretty Little Liars?
I wonder will anyone buy my book No Love Lost and read it?
Why do so many of our children seem to be drawn to violence lately?
Why does looney Jackie Christie have a 20 year old picture up representing herself on her website?
Is it worth my time to watch the new show "Once Upon a Time" on ABC?
How fucked up is it when you start a bomb ass blog on weed then your high comes down?
I'll tell ya, it's fucked up. Because you know what Campers? That's it for me, I'm done. I am sober so I don't know what the H E double hockey sticks to think about anymore, so with that I'm about to go enjoy some more wine and trees - because I like being able to remember... Plus there's no Marathon so I can drink again, Yay! So until our next camp out remember the fire's always burning here at Carlita's Camp!
And don't forget to check out my new book, "No Love Lost"
on Amazon for your Kindle download... Click the purple title and it'll take you to the preview.
Buy my new book "No Love Lost"
Here's the link to preview, download and purchase my juicy new novel No Love Lost And never fear, if you don't have a Kindle already you can easily download a FREE Kindle APP by simply clicking the link Free Kindle Reader App
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